Disregard that last post..

People are shit.

Say You Will

A while ago I wrote a post talking about how I felt people were insensitive to my feelings. Well this is a continuation of that...

Last night a friend of mine called me to vent about her frustrations and she started crying. Before comforting her I selfishly thought "See, this is what I'm talking about! Who can I call crying?! Nobody!" But after I got off the phone with her I really started to reflect. Every single one of my friends has at one point or another used me as a shoulder to cry on. I love that and feel honored that I'm the one they feel they can trust. I'm always there for someone when they need me, but there is always that little voice in the back of my head that is thinking that I don't have someone to be there for me.

I always felt that people are oblivious that I have real feelings and do get hurt sometimes. But then I thought when have I ever let anybody see that side of me? I've never really shared my heartache with anybody and when I do I tend to down play it. I'm a pretty chatting person, and tend to tell people every detail of my life, but when it comes to something that's bothering me I keep it to myself. I realized last night that I've never given anyone the opportunity to be there for me. For example: Yesterday I wrote a Facebook status talking about how I only have myself in life. One of my friends sent me a text asking if I was okay. I said I was fine and changed the subject.

I always do that! How can I blame anyone for not being there for me when I'm the one who shuts them down? Until last night, for whatever reason, I never realized that I do that.

I also realized that at 20, I don't have it all figured out yet, and that's okay! It was a night of Epiphanies I tell ya!

-Ashley

Babies and deadbeats!

This past Saturday was my cousin's annual BBQ and that's his precious 5 month old Daughter Mei-Li I'm holding. And when she's baptized I shall be the Godmommy! Whoop whoop!

My friend Nicole came with me to the BBQ and we whooped Jason & Brandon in a game a football. Which is really not saying much, because Brandon is 11, and Jason is in an Emo phase so he was wearing his tight Jonas Brothers jeans.

But Omgosh back to Mei-Li! I just wanted to dump her and Aiden in my handbag and run! I told my Mom that in 5 years I want to be a housewife and just go to Mommy and Me yoga classes all day. So, now I'm pretty sure I've jinxed myself and will become crazy cat lady. It's okay I embrace my destiny!

So, my Father called my Mom today and wanted to speak with me. Um, no? I haven't spoken to him in three years (his doing not mine) and I'm not going through this again. My Mom can do whatever the hell she wants, but I refuse to be apart of it this time. Anywho, apart from self righteous losers suddenly making themselves known, I had an awesome weekend with my family.

Love,

Ashley

La Isla Del Encanto

I just got back from Puerto Rico yesterday morning and it was such an awesome trip! I didn't jinx myself and everything went smoothly. I was so nervous that something was going to go wrong that I was walking around with a headache for an entire week. My headache literally went away the second we checked into the hotel.

I planned this vacation to coincide with my 20th birthday and one of my "New Year's Resolution's" was to top last year's birthday celebration. Mission accomplished. Don't get me wrong my 19th birthday was great, but it was filled with lots of tears and drama. Last year we went to a drag queen restaurant and I got my first tattoo. It was a fun birthday and nobody will ever know how much BOTH of my tattoo's mean to me, but this year was different.

This trip wasn't just a vacation for me it was a journey. I am Puerto Rican, but I never felt a strong connection to my Hispanic roots. For one thing my Spanish is not what is should be. I was born and raised in New York as was my Mom and most of my family. We speak English. I'm a vegetarian. My name is Ashley Venus! LOL but being in Puerto Rico and exploring my culture I realized I am a lot more Puerto Rican than I thought I was.

This trip has really helped me to grow as a person. I came back to New York with a renewed sense of self and a relaxed mindset. I am happy :)

Oh, before I forget I want to say thanks to mi amigos Alcides, Nicole, and especially Merima (she went to PR with me) for coming out the night before my trip and celebrating my birthday with me. I say especially Merima not because she was part of my journey, but because she wrote my birthday card in crayon. Seriously.

Yo soy Boricua

Kiss My Sass

It's been almost a month since I've updated, but honestly I've been kind of out of it lately. I'm usually a very chipper (I hate that word IDK why I just used it) person, but I find myself having to struggle to keep up a conversation. I don't like feeling this way, but I feel myself coming back to normal.

I turn 20 next week. Ahhh! People keep telling me that I am about to become an adult, but what makes one an adult? Age is irrelevant. I became an adult a long time ago. Anyway, to celebrate the monumental end of my youth I am shipping myself to Puerto Rico for a week! Whoop whoop! I'm actually very excited about this, but I don't want to go too much into detail, because I feel the more I talk about it, the more I am jinxing myself for shit to go wrong.

I finally indulged my crave to try a cigar. I love them, but thank God I'm too cheap for it to actually become a habit. :)

Okay I have nothing of importance to say, so here is a picture of me sunbathing in Central Park today.

Hallelujah

This just has not been my week. I don't want to get into detail, because I don't want to jinx myself, but I really need the world to be on my side right now! I'm sure things will work out for me, because they always do, but I can be a very impatient person. And because I am stressing myself out I have a giant headache and my room is a disaster zone. Boo.

Anyway, I hope everyone out there told their Mom's how much you love them today, because they deserve it! I bought my Mom a little present, took her shopping, and then we went out to dinner. We did this all yesterday and today we went to my Grandma's house. I showed my Grandma my new tattoo and she said "it's nice." Haha! I borrowed my cousin's bike and round it around the backyard. For some reason that really seemed to calm my mind. I need a bike! Of course right after I throw my bike out I now want to ride one.

Peace and a bottle of hair grease,

Ashley Venus

Mine

So, I had this really tripped out dream last night where I bought a new Rabbit, but it was diseased and crazy. I then proceeded to hit it with a broom and kill it. In my dream I was very proud of myself, but I would never do that in real life (refer to previous post). Anywho, I woke up with my dog snuggled up in my arms this morning, and well... Let's just say that when I first wake up I can be a bit delusional, and I kind of forgot I had a dog, and I then proceeded to scream and push her away from me. SORRY LUNA!

Anywho, I had a pretty good weekend. Jason came over and we played rock band. Nope, not the game. We were pretending we were an actual rock band. Actually, that's kind of sad, haha. But I came up with some song lyrics and it goes a little bit like this:

"Jason like boys

He uses them as toys

Oh Jason

Has a crush on a boy named Jonathon"

I smell Grammy! Haha and Jason doesn't really like boys, but if he did I'd love him anyway!

Another reason why my weekend was pretty awesome? I got a new tattoo! Yay! It's been almost a year since I got my first tattoo and I've been wanting another one the second after I got my first one. This time I got my Aunt's birthday and death date tattooed on my wrist in roman numerals. My Aunt is Jason's Mom, so it was cool that he was there to see me get it done. He now wants the same one or something like it when he's old enough.

In November I wrote about how every year we go to the beach where we sprinkled her ashes and pay our respects. But I never really talk about how much I miss my Aunt, because I start to cry, but the truth is I MISS HER SO FREAKIN' MUCH! I don't want to talk about it, but it's cool that I can carry her with me anywhere I go, and I can draw strength from it. It may seem silly, but that's the power of art and love!

I'm not even going to lie, my wrist stung a bit more than my foot, but it didn't hurt too bad. I have videographic proof of me getting tattooed and how I took it like a champ! Haha I'm acting like I got a giant tattoo, but whatever a tattoo is a tattoo. I have to edit the video first before I put it on YouTube, because it's pretty long.

Ooh I forgot to mention that my friend Merima got inked as well. She got roman numerals of an important date tattooed on her hip. Videos will posted sometime this century!

Peace and Love,

Ashley Venus

P.S. I have no idea why "strength" is highlighted yellow when it's spelled correctly!