Things Left Unsaid

A couple weeks ago I wrote an entry about how I had to come to terms with the fact that my friendship with someone isn't what it used to be. Those feelings weren't actually expressed to that person, because... Damnit he was ignoring me. We got into an argument and he was ignoring me, because his "pride level is up there and I didn't wanna talk to you until I felt ready and my temporary grudge was gone." Fair enough. Silly to me, but I'll let him have it.

Anyway that's not what this is really about. I got a package in the mail from him today. My belated birthday present. Earlier I had gotten a text from him asking if I got the package and a simple sorry. Listen, I'm a girl, I need to talk about my feelings okay? So, I couldn't just say thank you. I had to let him know exactly how I felt about the situation and he did the same.

After we got that out of the way I proceeded to tell him that our friendship isn't what it once was. I said that I was tired of being in these friendship where I was putting in more than I was getting. We just aren't best friends anymore. He said we grew apart and things haven't been the same. He also said "the only reason why I chilled with you those times was because I knew that you are a good friend and you would never fuck me over..." It really hurt when he said that, because he made it sound like hanging out with me was an obligation. But I can't be mad at him for being honest.

I really thought I had come to terms with this weeks ago, but hearing confirmation from him is like a fresh wound all over again. It feels like a break up. I guess it sort of is.

-Ashley

Use Somebody

"I've learned that when you care for someone, you gotta reach out to them, even if it's just to check up on how they're doing. Yea, I'm like that about friends."

This isn't a quote from me, but rather from someone who is supposed to be my best friend. We got into an argument three weeks ago, and I wasn't so mad at what he did, but rather at how his blatant disregard for how his actions made me feel. I was angry at his inconsideration and how he tried to flip things and put the blame on me.

Anyway, I haven't heard from him since. These past couple of weeks have been so hard for me and I really could have used a friend. It's so funny, the most random people have reached out to me, but the person that I call my "best friend" is not there. It makes me sad, because how do you accept that your friendship has come to an end?

These aren't new emotions. I've been feeling for a while that our friendship is not where it once was. You say that you check up on your friends just to see how they're doing. I guess I'm just not in that category. I'm tired of being the one to always reach out. I'm tired of always being there.

For the past year or so whenever I have pointed out to you that you barely call me anymore, you say "Yeah I've been slacking." Well, if you're not too busy to play games on Facebook, then you're not too busy to call or even text me. I think our friendship has run it's course and I'm not going to force anymore out of it.

*Ashley Venus

Shattered Glass

I'm just sitting here drinking a cup of tea and it got me thinking about a conversation my Mother and I had earlier. I was telling her this story from when I was younger about one of the first times I was disappointed and how I would continue to be disappointed throughout my life. First let me tell you the story I was telling her:

I was in Elementary school, I don't remember what grade, and it was Christmas time. Our principal had all of us write down a list of three things that we wanted and Santa would bring them to the school. I asked for three Nancy Drew books. I was obsessed with Nancy Drew! Anyway, when the time came to see which students got picked, my name was called. I couldn't believe I was picked (my principal hated me) and could barely contain my excitement about my new Nancy Drew books. Well, needless to say everyone received their presents and I was still waiting for my books. When the auditorium was clearing out I finally went up to the principal and said someone must have accidentally gotten my books, because I hadn't received a gift during the ceremony. Turns out I was only called downstairs so I can hold on to some other kids Playstation.

It may seem silly now, but back then I was really hurt. I started crying on the spot and nobody seemed to care. It wasn't the fact that I didn't get my Nancy Drew books that bothered me, I was most hurt that they called me downstairs, made me watch the other kids open up their new video games, and I was only there to hold on to a stupid a Playstation. Told you my principal hated me, she could have held on to it herself! That feeling of being unworthy or unnoticed has followed me through out my life.

I told my Mom that, that was one of the first times I can remember being truly hurt and disappointed, and how people continue to do things to make me feel that way to this day. Something that people don't know is that I am very sensitive. I just know how to put up a good front, because like I said, nobody really cares or notices that my feelings may be hurt. Anyway, my Mom then asks me if I had a happy childhood. It was hard for me to be honest with her, because I don't like to make my Mom feel bad, but I yes and no.

Yes, when my Father wasn't around I was the happiest kid. When my Father was around it was hell. I carried so much hurt and anger in my heart and had no outlet for it. I was then sent to therapy for having an attitude problem. Go figure. You see, my Father was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive towards my Mom and myself. He destroyed everything. My Mom then asked if I was angry with her. Yes. I was angry with her for putting us in that situation and letting it continue for as long as it did.

She then said that she wishes I had told her then what I am telling her now. I did. Every God damn day. It just went in one ear and out the other. No matter what I said and what he did she always took his side. My Father would call me jealous and say that I didn't want to see my Mom happy. When I would tell my Mom something my Father had said to me I was called a liar. When my Father hit me I was the one who had to apologize for making him angry. Unworthy.

I've never admitted to my Father hitting me, because I was embarrassed. It wasn't a regular thing, but yeah it happened a couple of times. I'm not writing this to gain pity from anyone I just wanted to share my feelings both past and present. I also don't want to make it sound like I am a sad and miserable person. I'm not. I chose to be happy. More so now than in the past.

Thanks for listening,
Ashley Venus

LaLa

I rarely ever go out after work, but I'm trying to be a bit more social. So, after work I hooked up with my friend Merima, and we went to go hang out at a little Hookah lounge. It was great. I love being around an atmosphere that's just totally laid back and chill. We went to this really dark hole in the wall that I just totally fell in love with! The lights were dimmed so low, middle eastern decorations, comfy couches, and Arabic music playing lightly in the background. If it weren't for all the smoke (duh) I could have chilled there all night. :)

Oh! And the people were super friendly and gave us all our drinks and food on the house!

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

Why the heck can I never remember my freakin' password for this bloggy thing of mine?! Oh yeah... HAPPY NEW YEAR! And Happy Birthday to my little man Daniel!

Can you believe we're in 2009 already? Time flies by so fast before I know it I'll be 30. Oh God. When 2008 rolled around I wrote down (or rather typed) a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish this past year. Some I never got around to doing, but I actually managed to do a lot of it! I'm very proud of myself lol.

I'm just thinking off of the top of my head, but here's a list of things I want to do this year.

• Learn to read music and play an instrument: It's a toss up of either the guitar or the piano. Whichever comes out cheaper haha! Just kidding! I'm leaning more towards the guitar. It just seems way more badass than the piano. Plus, guitar solos make me cry. True story.
• Learn Spanish: I'm Puerto Rican, so it's probably a good idea.
• Blog more: Self explanatory.
• Have an awesome 20th birthday!: I thought my 19th birthday rocked. What could be better than getting drag queen lap dances and tattoos?! I want to top that.

That's just me thinking off the top of my head in between singing and dancing to Bob Marley. God bless my neighbors!

Happy New Year,

Ashley Venus

Chasing Pavements

I hate spending a weekend at home, because I feel so unproductive, and like I wasted two perfectly good days doing nothing. But I actually managed to get a lot done in the house this weekend. Lately I've been in this super domestic mood, and whenever I see a spare chance to do some cleaning or organizing around the house, I'm right there! Very strange! Maybe my Mom is right. Maybe I am growing up. Ahh!

Turns out my Mom is right about a lot of things. We got to chatting this weekend and I guess I finally got it through my head, what she has been trying to tell me forever. You simply can not change people. People are the way that they are and nothing that I do is going to change that. Everything that I say is just going to go in one ear and out the other, because most likely they have already heard it a million times before. It's just so hard for me!

I am not one of those people who are just completely anal and wants to control everybody else's life. For the most part I just let people be. But when it comes to somebody who is very close to me and who I care a lot about, it's hard for me to bite my tongue. But it's something that I am going to have to learn how to do. Even though it pains and frustrates me to see those close to me make bad decision after bad decision, I am just going to have to learn how to shut up! :-/

Also, I'm going to stop trying to help people who are not willing to help themselves. This is very hard for me, because I care so much. It hurts me to see other people going through a hard time, but it hurts me even more when I realize those who I am trying to help, do not care about themselves as much as I do. Nothing in life is free, you have to put in hard work to get what you want, and I am not going to do that work for you. Period.

Now on to a lighter subject:

My friend Janey took pictures of her room at college and it inspired me to take some pics of my room!

This is basically where all the sleeping happens! I love the cute little decorations above my bed, especially the laugh thingy. People say that it describes me perfectly lol. I'm not really sure if you can see it, but the tiny picture frame on the shelf is of my nephew Daniel. And the thing with the sticks in between the Victoria's Secret dogs is a lavender diffuser. It helps me sleep at night. That orange stuffed animal on my pillow is a Koala Bear and her name is Kola. I sleep with it at night. Shut up. Haha I feel like this is MTV Cribs: Blog Edition!

This is my bedside table and I need all these lavender smelling things to help me sleep a little bit better at night. I suffer from a pretty bad case of Insomnia, but I refuse to take sleeping pills, so I try to do anything natural and non-addicting to help me have a rested sleep. The scent from the big candle calms me, so I sleep with it on. I also have candle's that I light when I meditate, but I didn't take a picture of them. I'm also really weird about smells, so I try to make my room smell as good as it possibly can. That's a picture of me getting ready to go Dolphin swimming in the Bahama's.

My closet door! My masterpiece! Haha, my friend Merima came over to help me paint, and that's what we ended up doing!

I'm a huge Marilyn Monroe fan, so I freaked when my Mom brought this home for me. I just freakin' love this thing! I catch myself staring at it for hours (okay, maybe not hours) just trying to take in every detail of each Polaroid. In my old room I used to have all these pictures of Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn all over the place. My cousin Jason used to call it my shrine to dead people lmao! And I just want to say that I am a real Marilyn Monroe fan. I'm not one of those people who just like her because she represents the ultimate in sex and glamour. I have tons of books on her and have seen all of her movies, okay? My Mom used to put on The Seven Year Itch for me when I was younger, so that I could sit still and be quiet. I still love that movie, but I really really love Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. It's so funny and I wish I could steal all the outfits in the movie.

I'm a pretty neat person, but this area of my room is probably the most cluttered. Actually, it's all really well organized, I just think the bulletin boards make it look cluttered. But it's an organized clutter! Haha I'm such a loser. LOL yes my screen saver still say's "I Love You Spotty!" What can I say, I still love that dog.

I must seem like the biggest narcissist, because I have pictures of myself everywhere, but where else am I supposed to put them?! This area also looks messy, but I assure you it is not! Aww, look at my books! I'm a voracious reader and feel "naked" if I'm not carrying a book on me. Right now I'm reading Audition, but it's too heavy for me to carry everday, so I'm reading it little by little. And yeah I like stuffed animals.

Isn't that the cutest picture frame?! Man I love me some Bed, Bath and Beyond! That's a photo of my best friend Linnea and I on my 19th birthday. Right after this picture she said "Omg it's almost tattoo time!" and honestly if she hadn't said that I probably wouldn't have gotten it!

This collage is right above the case where I have the photo of Linnea and I. When people come in my room they alway's stop to look at it and I hope they're thinking "Ashley has a life!" I don't, but it's nice if other people think I do haha!

The only thing missing from these pictures is a picture of Tokyo's cage. I moved him to the living room while Rocco was here and have been too lazy to move him back. So, since he was left out of the tour here is a pic of him and I:

Alright kiddies I gotta peace out,

Ashley Venus

Take Control

Since I am now sort of self-employed I have more time to do the things I thought I was going to be able to do once I got a job. Not the case. My Ex-boss wanted so much our time and nobody was willing to give it to her except for me. The other girls set boundaries and I never did. I spent a lot of time with the boss and she would complain that the others were being "difficult." I didn't want to come off as difficult so I just did as I was told. Big mistake on my part. Since I was the boss' little puppeteer who never said no it was alway's big drama when I actually did say no.

I am so happy that I am no longer working for them anymore, but I still see them everyday. I hate having to do the fake smile and small talk bullshit. Neither of us have anything to say to each other, so what's the point? Actually, I have a lot that I would like to say to them haha, but I am not. Several people have commented on my composure and maturity that I display when I do have to do the bullshit small talk. Thanks!

Anyway, now I actually have some time during the day to spend with my unofficial Goddaughter. Earlier this week I had a HUGE gap in my day, so I took Niya to a playground in Central Park. Then yesterday I went over to my friend Nicole's house and we baked cupcakes and cookies. I don't have a big sweet tooth at all, but I loooove to eat cake batter. Oh man I freakin' love it! Too bad I got SUPER sick yesterday after eating all of it. Blah I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it.

Damn it. I wanted to write more, but I really want to go outside. I hate being in the house. I'll try and update later this weekend.

I leave you with visual Aid:





Ashley Venus

Sure Looks Good To Me

There's this great store on the Upper West Side for dogs called Canine Ranch. They sell the cutest accessories for dogs and even have a bakery where you can buy your dog an all natural birthday cupcake. This store is not cheap. It's a small store where only two women work and you kind of feel forced to buy something. This is not a store where "just looking" is an option. The first time I went there I ended up leaving with a $60 dog feeder. Today I spent $90 on just a leash and collar. I'm such a sucker.

This is going to be a very random blog post. Say hello to the real me! In real life my thoughts and conversations are all over the place and aren't so carefully pieced together. Writing is better. I can construct and edit my thoughts the way I really mean for them to come out. I only worry if the reader (all 2 of you!) is able to detect the tone I am trying to convey and do I come off convincingly? Can you tell when I am being sarcastic? Serious? Hurt? Yeah, my blog hasn't gotten all that deep yet and sorry I am rambling.

But while I am on the topic of emotions why is it that some people seem to think I don't have any? It hurts me so much when someone say's "you cry? Really? I can't picture you crying." I've heard that a number of times from friends and it makes me think, do you even know me at all? Are we even really friends? Yeah, we have a good time together, but are we friends?

Another one I got recently was "I don't think you could ever be mad. Not for long anyway." I must say I think that's a whole lot better than the whole me not crying thing, but I still made a face and made him explain himself. He said not that he doesn't think I get mad, but that whenever we talk I seem like such a happy person, that he doesn't think somebody can upset me for very long. And when I really thought about it he's right! I am a happy person. Even when life seems like it isn't always going my way (and life does that, so you better get used to it) I'm still happy. Why shouldn't I be? I'm alive, I'm breathing, I'm healthy, and I have a family that loves me. That's all that matters.

Of course I cry (all the time actually), get angry, feel sad, lonely, hurt, and any other human emotion you can come up with. I am human and I feel them all. But he's right it doesn't last for very long. I am naturally a happy person and it's hard for someone else to break that. When I was younger I used to spend so much time being angry and holding grudges. I don't do that anymore. I'd rather be laughing and having a good time. Being angry just takes up too much time and energy. I'd rather channel that energy on myself instead of on someone else who probably doesn't even matter and most likely isn't even thinking about me.

It's also so important to cherish the little things in life. People make fun of me for getting excited over little things, but what can I say? The little things make me happy. I get super excited to start a new book. I love spoiling my dog and my ungrateful rabbit. I jump for joy when I get a new magazine in the mail. (BTW where is my Elle magazine?! Aren't I supposed to get it before it hits news stands?)

Anywho, sorry for rambling and getting philosophical on ya, just got a lot on my mind!

Peace, love, and harmony,

Ashley Venus

Freak Like Me

I am a virgin. Oooh.

I always wonder why people are so surprised to learn this about me. Maybe it's because I have a tendency to talk very bluntly while I am with friends? Is it because I have big boobs? Haha. Or is it because I am 19 and that's what I'm "supposed" to be doing at this age? There are a lot of things kids (yes, I said kids. I believe I still have a long way before I am able to call myself an adult) my age do that I just do not partake it.

I am not a prude. I am not a very religious person. I wasn't a sheltered child. In fact, I saw a lot growing up. I learned the consequences to certain actions while I was very young. My Grandmother had 3 daughters and my Mom is the only living child. Both of their lives ended because of drugs and AIDS. Now, my younger cousin Jason has to grow up without a Mom. He is angry and I can see that. My Mom had my older brother when she was only 16. My cousin Michael is a drug addict and everyday I see him wasting away. I saw my Dad getting high when I was only 7. My Grandfather was an alcoholic...

So, there are just certain things that I do not do, because I know better. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I know what sex does to you when you're not ready for it. I know not all sex results in an STD or pregnancy. Not everybody who drinks becomes an alcoholic. Not everyone who indulges in recreational drugs becomes a fullblown drug addict. I know that. But I've seen way too much of that stuff in my life to want any part of that.

As far as sex goes, everybody is different. Everyone has a set of morals and standards for themselves that they live their life by. I have chosen to wait.

Peace & Love,
Ashley Venus

Prelude To A Kiss

I've sat here for an hour trying to figure out to start off my blog and have come up with nada...

It's been more than a year since I last kept a blog and have been itching to get back into blogging mode for some time now. I feel like now is the best time to start up again, because it's that weird time in my life where I can feel myself transitioning from a kid into an adult (almost). I want to go out and explore, travel, try new things, meet new people, and always be a couple of steps outside of my comfort zone. I want to live a full and authentic life. Now, I'm only 19 and haven't done a lot of the things that I want to do. I still have many bridges and roads to cross to live the life that I imagine for myself, but I want to use this blog as a mean to throw those dreams and desires out into the universe.

I also want to blog a bit differently than I did in the past. I never knew what the heck to title my posts, so instead of worrying about it I just decided to name them after songs on my iTunes. Pretty clever if you ask me haha.

Well kids, it's time for me to peace out this post, and head off to bed.

Kisses,

Ashley Venus