Use Somebody

"I've learned that when you care for someone, you gotta reach out to them, even if it's just to check up on how they're doing. Yea, I'm like that about friends."

This isn't a quote from me, but rather from someone who is supposed to be my best friend. We got into an argument three weeks ago, and I wasn't so mad at what he did, but rather at how his blatant disregard for how his actions made me feel. I was angry at his inconsideration and how he tried to flip things and put the blame on me.

Anyway, I haven't heard from him since. These past couple of weeks have been so hard for me and I really could have used a friend. It's so funny, the most random people have reached out to me, but the person that I call my "best friend" is not there. It makes me sad, because how do you accept that your friendship has come to an end?

These aren't new emotions. I've been feeling for a while that our friendship is not where it once was. You say that you check up on your friends just to see how they're doing. I guess I'm just not in that category. I'm tired of being the one to always reach out. I'm tired of always being there.

For the past year or so whenever I have pointed out to you that you barely call me anymore, you say "Yeah I've been slacking." Well, if you're not too busy to play games on Facebook, then you're not too busy to call or even text me. I think our friendship has run it's course and I'm not going to force anymore out of it.

*Ashley Venus

Disregard that last post..

People are shit.

Say You Will

A while ago I wrote a post talking about how I felt people were insensitive to my feelings. Well this is a continuation of that...

Last night a friend of mine called me to vent about her frustrations and she started crying. Before comforting her I selfishly thought "See, this is what I'm talking about! Who can I call crying?! Nobody!" But after I got off the phone with her I really started to reflect. Every single one of my friends has at one point or another used me as a shoulder to cry on. I love that and feel honored that I'm the one they feel they can trust. I'm always there for someone when they need me, but there is always that little voice in the back of my head that is thinking that I don't have someone to be there for me.

I always felt that people are oblivious that I have real feelings and do get hurt sometimes. But then I thought when have I ever let anybody see that side of me? I've never really shared my heartache with anybody and when I do I tend to down play it. I'm a pretty chatting person, and tend to tell people every detail of my life, but when it comes to something that's bothering me I keep it to myself. I realized last night that I've never given anyone the opportunity to be there for me. For example: Yesterday I wrote a Facebook status talking about how I only have myself in life. One of my friends sent me a text asking if I was okay. I said I was fine and changed the subject.

I always do that! How can I blame anyone for not being there for me when I'm the one who shuts them down? Until last night, for whatever reason, I never realized that I do that.

I also realized that at 20, I don't have it all figured out yet, and that's okay! It was a night of Epiphanies I tell ya!

-Ashley