Decode

Today was so much fun! Twilight came out on DVD yesterday and today I had a couple of friends over to watch it. My friends Merima and Nicole came over as well as my cousin Manny. Watching a movie with Merima is an experience in it's self. She is too funny! Everyone should be so blessed to have a Merima in their lives!

Of course we talked through out the whole movie and dissected it piece by piece. My Mom was like Omgosh is the way you guys watch movies?! YES! What, you're supposed to be quiet and actually watch the movie? I have never heard of such a thing.

Anyway, I had such a blast hanging out with my friends at home and just wanted to share a couple of pics.

Peace & Love,

Ashley Venus

Shattered Glass

I'm just sitting here drinking a cup of tea and it got me thinking about a conversation my Mother and I had earlier. I was telling her this story from when I was younger about one of the first times I was disappointed and how I would continue to be disappointed throughout my life. First let me tell you the story I was telling her:

I was in Elementary school, I don't remember what grade, and it was Christmas time. Our principal had all of us write down a list of three things that we wanted and Santa would bring them to the school. I asked for three Nancy Drew books. I was obsessed with Nancy Drew! Anyway, when the time came to see which students got picked, my name was called. I couldn't believe I was picked (my principal hated me) and could barely contain my excitement about my new Nancy Drew books. Well, needless to say everyone received their presents and I was still waiting for my books. When the auditorium was clearing out I finally went up to the principal and said someone must have accidentally gotten my books, because I hadn't received a gift during the ceremony. Turns out I was only called downstairs so I can hold on to some other kids Playstation.

It may seem silly now, but back then I was really hurt. I started crying on the spot and nobody seemed to care. It wasn't the fact that I didn't get my Nancy Drew books that bothered me, I was most hurt that they called me downstairs, made me watch the other kids open up their new video games, and I was only there to hold on to a stupid a Playstation. Told you my principal hated me, she could have held on to it herself! That feeling of being unworthy or unnoticed has followed me through out my life.

I told my Mom that, that was one of the first times I can remember being truly hurt and disappointed, and how people continue to do things to make me feel that way to this day. Something that people don't know is that I am very sensitive. I just know how to put up a good front, because like I said, nobody really cares or notices that my feelings may be hurt. Anyway, my Mom then asks me if I had a happy childhood. It was hard for me to be honest with her, because I don't like to make my Mom feel bad, but I yes and no.

Yes, when my Father wasn't around I was the happiest kid. When my Father was around it was hell. I carried so much hurt and anger in my heart and had no outlet for it. I was then sent to therapy for having an attitude problem. Go figure. You see, my Father was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive towards my Mom and myself. He destroyed everything. My Mom then asked if I was angry with her. Yes. I was angry with her for putting us in that situation and letting it continue for as long as it did.

She then said that she wishes I had told her then what I am telling her now. I did. Every God damn day. It just went in one ear and out the other. No matter what I said and what he did she always took his side. My Father would call me jealous and say that I didn't want to see my Mom happy. When I would tell my Mom something my Father had said to me I was called a liar. When my Father hit me I was the one who had to apologize for making him angry. Unworthy.

I've never admitted to my Father hitting me, because I was embarrassed. It wasn't a regular thing, but yeah it happened a couple of times. I'm not writing this to gain pity from anyone I just wanted to share my feelings both past and present. I also don't want to make it sound like I am a sad and miserable person. I'm not. I chose to be happy. More so now than in the past.

Thanks for listening,
Ashley Venus

It's midnight and I should be sleeping, but I can't. I accidentally took a 4 hour nap when I got home from work and now I am wide awake. I should probably be reading my book, or putting away my laundry, but I am too lazy. Speaking of being too lazy to lay down and read; One of my goals this year is to read at least 50 books. Haha I love how I'm constantly contradicting myself. But I really do want to read a lot of books this years, so I figured I'd set my goal at an attainable number. I've read 6 books so far, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

The book I am currently reading is Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh. I have no idea how to pronounce his name, but it's really good. :) I'm about halfway through with it, but I can't read it before, because it gets my mind racing. If you didn't know, I suffer from a terrible case of Insomnia. Not only am I an Insomniac, but I'm Nocturnal as well. I can sleep like a baby for 4 hours at 3 in the afternoon, but come actual bedtime, and I'm wide awake.

This might seem random, but I just thought of one of my favorite poems, and now I feel like sharing it.

I carry your heart with me - e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-Ashley Venus

Just Like A Circus!

My best friend Alcides and I went to go see Britney Spears on Friday and it was awesome! The whole stage was literally a three ring circus and she used the whole stage. There wasn't a bad seat in the house.

I had so much fun and the energy in that place was amazing. The second we stepped out of Newark Penn Station there was this incredible buzz in the air. It was delicious.


The Pussycat Dolls were the opening act and they did great, but the real star of the show was of course Miss Britney Spears. Say whatever you want about Britney, but the girl knows how to put on a show. She came down from the ceiling, was cut in half, disappeared, swung from a trapeze blindfolded, rode a tricycle, sung in a giant gold picture frame in the air that then proceeded to circle the arena, and sang her hit ballad "Everytime" from a bedazzled Indian umbrella (in the air of course.)

The arena was filled with love and positive energy, and I am not exaggerating when I say you could almost touch it. It was incredible. And I felt this way before, but it truly clicked on Friday night. You have to have compassion for people. When someone is going through a hard time you have to offer them love and support. It doesn't do any good to be negative. You have to root for someone to succeed and pull through whatever it is that they're going through. I'm not speaking specifically on Britney, but I do believe that she is back, and she will only get better!

Anywho, yesterday I hungout with my friend Nicole, and we went to go see Madea Goes To Jail. I loved it I thought it was so funny. Hallelurrrrr!

Today I was just a completely lazy bum. I did nothing but watch TV all day. I watched Right America: Feeling Wronged, Saw, and Religulous. A complete waste of time, but I was too lazy to get off the couch. In fact I was so lazy that when I realized the batteries in my remote control for my DVD player died, I was too lazy to get up and press play. Haha. Although, I do have to say I enjoyed Religulous a lot. Bill Maher is one of my favorite comedians.

Peace & Love,

Ashley Venus

Boo!

Aww poor Aiden! I spent yesterday with my brothers and their kids. We went to the Central Park zoo and then dinner at Jekyll & Hyde. The kids were so scared! I thought it was corny and kind of annoying, but the kids were pissing their pants. Honestly, I wouldn't ever eat there again. The food is way over priced and it's not even good. But I did get a cool mug lol.

LMFAO I'm sorry, but I think this picture is hilarious!

My 9 year old nephew Daniel was crying in the elevator, I felt bad, but I couldn't help but laugh. Then the guy who was working the elevator called me mean and said I reminded him of his sister. :(

Other than that my weekend was pretty uneventful. I spent the whole day reading and cleaning my room. I gave my dog a bath and when she's due for another one I need somebody to record it! It takes two people to hold her down and she acts like we're freakin killing her!

Hmmm what else? Oh yeah! I'm on a no cursing diet. I recorded myself talking and I realize that I curse a lot! I curse so much that I don't even know that I'm cursing. It kind of sucks thought, because "fuck" is one of my favorite words. And that doesn't count, because I said it in writing haha.

Aight peace out homies,
Ashley Venus

Wubbzy!

My nephew turned 2!